New and Improved How To Manipulate Your Boyfriend!

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Not to totally cater to you (and me) crazy people, but apparently my previous post brought in a ton* of traffic. Everyone wants to know how to actually manipulate their boyfriends. Or, less likely, how to manipulate MY boyfriend (it's not that difficult, and mostly involves a medium amount of being sad). For those poor chicks who will not listen to the following advice--get a boyfriend who you don't need to manipulate!!--I bring you the real deal on how to effectively manipulate your beau. All of this assumes that you are, in fact, socially smarter than said man, and at minimum equal in intelligence. Otherwise you are screwed--it is impossible to manipulate someone who can run circles around you.**

For the most part, guys are fairly simple.*** They gravitate towards "happy", shy away from "irritating", and steer well clear of "crazyassmofo who won't stop texting me and I literally JUST met her and then had to go to the bathroom".

So, rule number one:

Be Nice.

Seriously. That's it. Not in a, "be nice and give them things and do things for them and then ask them why they haven't done anything for you" kind of way. No. In a "well I care about you so no, it's really not that big of a deal that you want to go to the bar with your friends." Unless he is in highschool and then you may want to think about your life choices, young lady, as he is also the sort of guy who will try to convince you that you don't actually need a condom. That you don't need a condom while having sex, that is. I'm not sure that you would actually need a condom otherwise. Perhaps if you are trying to make balloons for a party. In which case he would be right, you really don't want balloons made out of condoms.

But that is not the point. NEXT:

Two! Actually tell him what is going on in your life, and what you think about the relationship. Not long winded and drawn out--treat it like marketing. Short, sweet, to the point. If it has a jingle that he can remember, and that you can sing without treating him like a 3-year-old or a mental patient, you win. If you have expectations that he is not living up to? Let him know about them! TELL him that while he thinks it is perfectly normal to grab other girls asses and watch 6 hours of porn a day, real people actually get jobs or go to school. TELL him that while you think it is great that he doesn't have to move to throw out the trash, it would be even greater if he had a trash bin that was cleaned out once in a while so that his bedroom does not smell like a hobo eating a banana and taking a leak on a dead raccoon who just ate its own excrement. And don't forget point #1! Be happy and nice!

Number 3! If he is a douchebag, stop expecting more from him. If you have told him your expectations, and he isn't following through, then you are going to have to lower your bar. Or break up with him. Which brings me to my last point:

Number four: if things really just aren't working out, don't act like you can threaten to leave him or burn all his things. That is how you get restraining orders against you. If it's not going to happen, then let it go--and don't hang on pretending it is going to happen! Joey or Chris or Matt or Dean or Mike or whoever is not going to stop whatever it is you hate just because you love him long enough. If he is a good guy, he will listen to you, and you won't HAVE to manipulate him. But, if he is a douche? Keep your emotions separate from your rational as to why you should be in the relationship. Don't defend it when it is broken--at least not to yourself. With friends, sure, but be honest without how good or how shitty things are.

To wrap it up, my dearest crazy nutcase people? Be good to your relationship and it will be good to you!

Oh, and stop being crazy. Duh.

*Hyperbole. "Greater than usual" is probably more accurate.
**Do not be fooled if you try it and it seems to work--most likely they are picking up on every one of your bad attempts and either turning them around on you, or using them to know exactly what you are thinking without having to talk to you. Bad for the relationship either way. Not that manipulating isn't bad to begin with. I'm pretty sure it is inadvisable in a healthy relationship. Probably.
***Simple does not in any way equal stupid. It means that when he says he wants to play videogames, he will tell you that he is playing videogames and then ignore your texts. Because he is busy.
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Real live proof of the supernatural spirits among us!

For your viewing enjoyment, a ghost!

It may be hiding.

The Problem with Paranoia

With all the talk about whether or not radiation from Japan is affecting what scale of the population and food, it is hard to know what to think. Too liberal with worry, and you fall into the "paranoid public" that is so disapprovingly chided in newspaper article after newspaper article. Authorities on the subject (which authorities, one might ask) continue to insist that whatever radioactivity exists is in low quantities, and for the most part, is completely harmless.

"Totally harmless" seemed a bit overstated last week, when two of three workers in one of the plants were hospitalized for exposure. At the time, we were told that it was no worse than a sunburn, and the other worker was only being hospitalized as a precaution. For those of us who have been living in the wintry North, let me remind you of the pain that is a--and let me emphasize this--MILD sunburn.

 Now, for those of you that know what radiation does, just skip over the next bit, but for the rest of us, I'd like to give you a simplified description. Radiation exposure does exactly what the sun does. It radiates you. Radiation is found in many things naturally, such as sunlight, potassium-40, and carbon-14 (remember carbon dating? Carbon-14 is one of the ways we're able to do it. Because we measure its rate of radioactive decay). All of these, however, are in such low quantities that they can't possibly harm you--right?

I'm not going to upload a picture of 3rd degree sunburn, but if you've never seen it, or if you need a refresher, go ahead, take a minute to google it. It's not pretty.
I am not trying to suggest that the amount of sunburn-like damage done was equal to the worst kind of sunburn, but instead I want to show the enormous variability in that sort of statement. Variability that is made even worse when the next thing we hear is that two of these workers are now being treated for internal damage.

The problem with paranoia, my friends, is that it seems to become necessary when dealing with anyone trying to keep the crowds ignorant. Ignorance keeps riots from happening. It keeps people happily buying their eggs and dairy from animals who live lives covered in shit (don't be turned off by that last statement--I'm not even arguing the fact that they deserve better lives, I am arguing that I don't want to eat food that has sat in weeks-old poop). Ignorance keeps people happy, because when you don't know any better, you don't rush to the store to stock up on iodine tablets, or to the bank to take out all your money before your neighbor does it and the bank collapses. Ignorance keeps the masses from making a mess--but it also keeps individuals from making their own decisions based on the most up-to-date information.

Will your sushi kill you, because it has eaten fish that have eaten fish that have eaten contaminated fish or algae off the coast of Japan?

Probably not.

But when things are always worse than reported, you put yourself at risk by not being paranoid. The old mantra of "hope for the best, prepare for the worst" keeps you ready for whatever happens, and when it is something as simple as ordering a bottle of potassium iodide, which have shelf life of six to seven years? Why not? Why is the media painting the enormous buyout of these tablets as stark raving mad?

Perhaps they are angry that they did not think of it in time to buy some themselves. Step one in feeling making yourself feel better than everyone else is mocking them. Perhaps they really do believe people to have gone crazy, when we fear radiation leaks from something that brings so much electricity and wealth to a country!

Whatever the reason, it becomes justified to think ahead, and read past the "it's totally fine, our explosive (insert noun here) is definitely stable, don't worry about anything!" experts, and possibly think for ourselves. We'll just have accept that "paranoid" has become another way of saying "prepared"--but then again, those of us who aren't either will have to just accept that "totally fine" could as easily be another way of saying "internal organ damage".