New and Improved How To Manipulate Your Boyfriend!

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Not to totally cater to you (and me) crazy people, but apparently my previous post brought in a ton* of traffic. Everyone wants to know how to actually manipulate their boyfriends. Or, less likely, how to manipulate MY boyfriend (it's not that difficult, and mostly involves a medium amount of being sad). For those poor chicks who will not listen to the following advice--get a boyfriend who you don't need to manipulate!!--I bring you the real deal on how to effectively manipulate your beau. All of this assumes that you are, in fact, socially smarter than said man, and at minimum equal in intelligence. Otherwise you are screwed--it is impossible to manipulate someone who can run circles around you.**

For the most part, guys are fairly simple.*** They gravitate towards "happy", shy away from "irritating", and steer well clear of "crazyassmofo who won't stop texting me and I literally JUST met her and then had to go to the bathroom".

So, rule number one:

Be Nice.

Seriously. That's it. Not in a, "be nice and give them things and do things for them and then ask them why they haven't done anything for you" kind of way. No. In a "well I care about you so no, it's really not that big of a deal that you want to go to the bar with your friends." Unless he is in highschool and then you may want to think about your life choices, young lady, as he is also the sort of guy who will try to convince you that you don't actually need a condom. That you don't need a condom while having sex, that is. I'm not sure that you would actually need a condom otherwise. Perhaps if you are trying to make balloons for a party. In which case he would be right, you really don't want balloons made out of condoms.

But that is not the point. NEXT:

Two! Actually tell him what is going on in your life, and what you think about the relationship. Not long winded and drawn out--treat it like marketing. Short, sweet, to the point. If it has a jingle that he can remember, and that you can sing without treating him like a 3-year-old or a mental patient, you win. If you have expectations that he is not living up to? Let him know about them! TELL him that while he thinks it is perfectly normal to grab other girls asses and watch 6 hours of porn a day, real people actually get jobs or go to school. TELL him that while you think it is great that he doesn't have to move to throw out the trash, it would be even greater if he had a trash bin that was cleaned out once in a while so that his bedroom does not smell like a hobo eating a banana and taking a leak on a dead raccoon who just ate its own excrement. And don't forget point #1! Be happy and nice!

Number 3! If he is a douchebag, stop expecting more from him. If you have told him your expectations, and he isn't following through, then you are going to have to lower your bar. Or break up with him. Which brings me to my last point:

Number four: if things really just aren't working out, don't act like you can threaten to leave him or burn all his things. That is how you get restraining orders against you. If it's not going to happen, then let it go--and don't hang on pretending it is going to happen! Joey or Chris or Matt or Dean or Mike or whoever is not going to stop whatever it is you hate just because you love him long enough. If he is a good guy, he will listen to you, and you won't HAVE to manipulate him. But, if he is a douche? Keep your emotions separate from your rational as to why you should be in the relationship. Don't defend it when it is broken--at least not to yourself. With friends, sure, but be honest without how good or how shitty things are.

To wrap it up, my dearest crazy nutcase people? Be good to your relationship and it will be good to you!

Oh, and stop being crazy. Duh.

*Hyperbole. "Greater than usual" is probably more accurate.
**Do not be fooled if you try it and it seems to work--most likely they are picking up on every one of your bad attempts and either turning them around on you, or using them to know exactly what you are thinking without having to talk to you. Bad for the relationship either way. Not that manipulating isn't bad to begin with. I'm pretty sure it is inadvisable in a healthy relationship. Probably.
***Simple does not in any way equal stupid. It means that when he says he wants to play videogames, he will tell you that he is playing videogames and then ignore your texts. Because he is busy.
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