There's no easy way to say it...

I sometimes (okay, all the time) tend to have dreams about the most random people in my life. Personally, i think this seems normal, as there are probably thousands of people in my dreams. Assuming my subconscious is as lazy as I am, at least a fraction of these are probably pulled from already existing templates, or often, cobbled together from several. Put together with the fact that you are hypothetically going to remember a person in a dream better if you already know who they are, and you have an overwhelming majority of dreams that feature obscure characters from your life in the leading role. The mailman, the kid you sat next to in highschool English, or the girl who always manages to pull in next to you in the grocery store parking lot on Thursday nights when you run out of groceries.

The problem is, if you ever happen mention the fact that they featured heavily in a moonlit saga of Braveheart vs Rapunzel Barbie, zombie edition, it probably goes something like this:

Me: Oh, hey! Thanks for putting a plastic bag on that package you dropped off the other day, I really appreciate it!

Mailman: No problem! Just doing my job! *smileyface*

Me: Yeah but it's awesome that you really go above and beyond. So, did I get any mail today?

Mailman: Just an issue of Vanity Fair. And a bill from "Descreet Happiness". What a lovely shade of pink it's in.

Me: I know, I just love it. You know, I had the most interesting dream about you the other day.

Mailman: Oh--I--What?

Me: Wait, I mean, Jake Gyllenhaal was in it too!

Mailman: *awkward*

Me: And...there zombies?

Mailman: Auh.. Well I'll be going then.

Me: Right.

You see, while it might seem cool in your head, because Dream-Mr. Mailman totally had your back while fending off Scottish monsters, Real-Mr. Mailman thinks it's creepy that your subconscious is thinking about him. And instead of delivering things cheerfully, he's going to be cheerfully thinking about what "Descreet Happiness" really is, and how happy he is to not be related to you. And how he only has to see you when he gets paid to.

So really, you just made your mailman feel like a hooker.

Which is the real reason that no one talks about how so-and-so was in their deepest thoughts while asleep.

You know what though? Dream-you has way hotter abs than Real-you. So there.


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